Vulnerable

Secrets 

I'm about to make myself vulnerable here.

Hopefully not too vulnerable.... it could be worse.

Also, the words in bold aren't necessarily the secrets.  It's underneath those words that tell all.

I want to drop out of school for this semester.

Seriously.

I've never had such a hard time doing homework and studying

in my life.

I'm so distracted.

And even though I want to drop out,

I won't,

because I don't quit.

I won't quit.

Which really sucks right now.

My new hobby is exercising.

It's the only time when I feel as confident as I should be.  

I don't do it in attempt to get skinny.

And I don't do it because I hate my body.

I do it because I love it.

I am blessed with so many abilities, and not recognizing that would make me so ungrateful.

Do I often wish I looked different?

Heck yes.

However, exercising let's me know that I'm stronger than I think.

I have no limits.

And honestly, going to the gym is

MY FAVORITE PART OF THE DAY.

It's so much fun, it should be illegal.

 I am in love with a boy.  

I don't know if it'll work out

Which is why I won't tell you who it is.

Only time will tell.

I'm scared of friendship.

I live in a world where friendships last forever.

And in reality, not all of them do.  In fact, few do,

Which I understand is a part of life - but for me, it doesn't make the hurt any less.

So many of the ones that I truly valued, that I thought would last forever, have been forgotten.

But not by me.....

And now, I just don't want the amazing friendships that I have right now to end.

However, it makes me value the friendships that have passed the test of times.

And I know that someday, old friendships will be restored.

Let me explain it... you know how a girl gets hurt a lot by a boyfriend, and she ends up putting up a wall hoping someone will someday break through it?

Put that in a slightly less harsh situation based on friendships.

If that even makes sense.

But when someone breaks through that wall, I know I can trust that person to be a true friend.

Not a perfect one.

A true one.

It's easy for me to feel left out.

I hate how easy it is - it drives me crazy!

I hate it when people in your group of friends try to make others feel left out on purpose.

It's not cool to tell secrets in front of someone else.

It's not cool  to ignore someone.

It's not cool to make someone feel like they don't belong.

It's not cool to "forget" to include someone.

Especially when you know you're doing it.

You're so dumb.

Which is why I shouldn't care about being your friend in the first place.

You are too careless for me.

Why would I want to be friends with someone like you who would do such a thing?

WHY?

Because there's this voice inside my head that says, "Be a friend to everyone!  Love everyone!  Forgive everyone!"

Dang you Voice! Dang you!

I know, I know, it's not your fault Voice.

You just happen to know that everyone should be a friend to everyone.

Because that's the way it's supposed to be.

But this thing called pride is trying to destroy that.

I have a fear of failure.

I have recently learned that I am such a perfectionist, that I have a fear of failure.

It's why I'm so bad at making decisions (even little ones), because I fear making the wrong ones.

And I value the opinion of other's too much.

I don't want to fail them as a friend by disappointing them, hurting them, or making them sad.

I want what they want, 

and too often forget that what I want matters, too.

I tend to focus on being perfect, instead of being better.

Do you know how stressful and hard it is to be perfect?

However, being better than I was yesterday 

is something I CAN do.

I'm not perfect! 

Gasp! 

I'm pretty sure that's not a secret though haha

It doesn't matter how bad my day is, or if I'm going through a hard trial,

as long as I can see someone else smile.

That genuine, sincere, real smile.

The kind that crinkles the eyes and let's a person's real spirit shine through.

I know that it's so cheesy, but it's always been true.

I've been told that I smile a lot...

but it makes it so that I can see someone else smile, too.

Smiles are just so easy to pass along, that I can't help it.

It's actually a selfish thing:  I smile, so that I can see others smile because it makes me happy.

It's probably why I LOVE my job and my past jobs that have to do with children...

they never fail to smile.

I can always get them to smile!  It's so easy!

Even the girl who never smiled when coming to gymnastics...

she now smiles EVERY time I talk to her.

And it makes my lifetime.

Smiles just make my life.

Period.

Just an end note to explain the last secret... here is a video that I live by... 

YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT, it'll change your life.