The Life of a Twin

Once upon a time, Ian and I were born.  Ian was born first... due to a LOT of bad luck. 

Our rivalry began in infancy.  He stole my blanket and was put in the back seat as punishment - like a baby knows the difference.  Mom, dad, you should have taken away his binky instead.  That way, he would have learned his lesson and saved us all a lot of trouble in later years.

In preschool, I lost my turtle beanie baby, and as he flaunted his around, I did the only logical thing...  I took his and lied about it.  When he complained, he got into trouble.  But being the good person that I am, my conscience appeared and with shame and guilt, I came forward... and got into trouble. He could have just shared in the first place and the whole incident would have been avoided!

In elementary school, he teased me and pushed me down.  My job, as a citizen of America, was to keep this world a world of justice... so I told on him.  Every time.  

Jr. High brought a time of annoyance and many days full of "I'm not touching you... I'm NooOOOooot touching you!" hauntings.  Doesn't reading it just annoy you?

In High School, I just wanted to be my own individual... was that too much to ask for?

Freshman year of college, I became my own individual.  He became my parents' favorite.

Then again...

Our friendship began in infancy. We had our own language that no one could understand... successfully driving my mom crazy.

In preschool, if I was laughing, it was because of him.  He was the goofball I always wanted to be.

In elementary school, I suffered the consequences of cliques and prissy girls.  He never failed to include me.

Jr. High came, and he never pretended to be someone else.  He was always himself in the way that I wished I could be myself.  And I stood up for him.

In High school, trying to find myself, he stood up for me.  He made me feel of worth when I felt of no worth.

Freshman year of college, I didn't want to be my own individual anymore.  And he became my favorite. (Yeah, yeah, I know... he's just EVERYONE's favorite at this point).

And then I was abandoned.  My best friends left on missions, and he left on his.


We shared everything up to that point... friends, birthdays, cars, etc.
We shared lives.

He knew how to make me feel better when I was down, he could make me laugh when I was mad, and he saw me as someone better than I was, even when I was less than I should have been.  In high school, he let me pretend to be tough but still cheered me up when things went wrong in cheer.  HE was the one who showed that I'd be missed when I moved to college.  He came to Orem to spend time with me on our 19th birthday.  He bought me a new pair of jeans to celebrate leaving on his mission.  He made ME feel important even on his special moments.

I'm not the type to go to my family and tell them every detail of my life and how I feel.

With him, I didn't have to.  Call it that weird "twin psychic" thing if you want, but he already knew when something wasn't right.  Of all people, he's the one that I'm closest to.

And then he was gone. He left me behind and I felt abandoned.  He went to the other side of the world, and left me to fend for  myself.  He was out helping others when I felt like I was the one who needed him most.  It wasn't fair.  It was supposed to ALWAYS be Ian and Callie, Callie and Ian.  And suddenly it was just Callie.

That was not enough.

Many people compare it to a sibling leaving on a mission.  But it doesn't help, and with all due respect, it doesn't compare.  

Jill is supposed to follow Jack up the hill.

Jill is supposed to tumble down when Jack tumbles down.

We're a team. 

We drive each other crazy.  Even while worlds apart, he still bullies me.  He tells me which guys I can or can't date, he has restricted me from marriage while he's on his mission, and he thinks he can win every competition against me.  (The facts that I wouldn't ever get married without him present and that he does, indeed, win every competition we have are small details that we need not take notice to.)

Yet, we watch out for each other.  Even while worlds apart, he still watches out for me and makes me feel of more worth than I really am.  He sees good in me even when I don't see it.  He tells me things about myself that I don't even know.

And through emails and letters, I've learned that even though we are not near, we end up with the same situations.  When I've had roommate struggles, he's had companion struggles. When everything seems to fall in line in my life, the same happens to his.  When I found a true best friend, he was put with an amazing companion. 

And when he got hit by a car, I felt like I was the one who had been hit.  If anything were to happen to him or hurt him, it would hurt me just as much.  When someone was mean to him, it felt like they were being mean to me.  If his feelings were ever hurt, my feelings were hurt, too.  If he feels pain, hurt, sorrow... I feel it, too.  The same goes for when he is happy and joyful.


Him being happy is enough reason for me to be happy.

Emails and letters aren't enough.  I miss him being here, with me.  I don't want to be just Callie anymore.  


I just miss my twin.  


You'd think that after all this time, almost two years, I'd be used to not having him by my side.


But I'm not.

Why am I having these sentimental thoughts?  Because our birthday is coming up, and every birthday and Christmas is a reminder that he is not here.  I even remember the first Christmas without him as clearly as anything.  We talked all day on the phone... and when we tried to say goodbye.... we both broke down.  And then I couldn't speak anymore.  I didn't want him to hear my voice crack and have him know how much I missed him and how much it hurt to be forced to have birthdays and Christmas's without him for the first time in my life.  I didn't want him to know how hard I was trying not to cry.

It just wasn't fair.

So this year, as I prepare for our birthday... it really is a preparation.  I have to prepare for the fact that it's another birthday without him.  And try to ignore it.

I don't want to celebrate our birthday without him.

I said the same thing last year.

But was forced to have a good time (and because of good friends, I had the best time).

But, no matter how good it ends up being...

It's still not the same.

Because he's not here.

And when he's not here, it feels more like MY birthday, when it's supposed to be OUR birthday.

Being a twin is a part of me.  And as irrational as it is, it feels pointless to celebrate such a thing when that part of me isn't here.

He has 44 more days left out in the field.

Everyone says that number is nothing.

To me, it is everything.

Back in the day... bored of pictures, so we made faces.


If none of this makes sense, and you don't understand what it is to be a twin (which, of course you don't, you couldn't), there is one thing that might put it into perspective for you.


God gave me someone better than a friend.
God gave me someone better than even a best friend.
He gave me a twin.


And that, right there, is proof enough that God does love me.


the end.


I just have to post this picture... mostly, because it would bug him...