Vulnerable

Secrets 

I'm about to make myself vulnerable here.

Hopefully not too vulnerable.... it could be worse.

Also, the words in bold aren't necessarily the secrets.  It's underneath those words that tell all.

I want to drop out of school for this semester.

Seriously.

I've never had such a hard time doing homework and studying

in my life.

I'm so distracted.

And even though I want to drop out,

I won't,

because I don't quit.

I won't quit.

Which really sucks right now.

My new hobby is exercising.

It's the only time when I feel as confident as I should be.  

I don't do it in attempt to get skinny.

And I don't do it because I hate my body.

I do it because I love it.

I am blessed with so many abilities, and not recognizing that would make me so ungrateful.

Do I often wish I looked different?

Heck yes.

However, exercising let's me know that I'm stronger than I think.

I have no limits.

And honestly, going to the gym is

MY FAVORITE PART OF THE DAY.

It's so much fun, it should be illegal.

 I am in love with a boy.  

I don't know if it'll work out

Which is why I won't tell you who it is.

Only time will tell.

I'm scared of friendship.

I live in a world where friendships last forever.

And in reality, not all of them do.  In fact, few do,

Which I understand is a part of life - but for me, it doesn't make the hurt any less.

So many of the ones that I truly valued, that I thought would last forever, have been forgotten.

But not by me.....

And now, I just don't want the amazing friendships that I have right now to end.

However, it makes me value the friendships that have passed the test of times.

And I know that someday, old friendships will be restored.

Let me explain it... you know how a girl gets hurt a lot by a boyfriend, and she ends up putting up a wall hoping someone will someday break through it?

Put that in a slightly less harsh situation based on friendships.

If that even makes sense.

But when someone breaks through that wall, I know I can trust that person to be a true friend.

Not a perfect one.

A true one.

It's easy for me to feel left out.

I hate how easy it is - it drives me crazy!

I hate it when people in your group of friends try to make others feel left out on purpose.

It's not cool to tell secrets in front of someone else.

It's not cool  to ignore someone.

It's not cool to make someone feel like they don't belong.

It's not cool to "forget" to include someone.

Especially when you know you're doing it.

You're so dumb.

Which is why I shouldn't care about being your friend in the first place.

You are too careless for me.

Why would I want to be friends with someone like you who would do such a thing?

WHY?

Because there's this voice inside my head that says, "Be a friend to everyone!  Love everyone!  Forgive everyone!"

Dang you Voice! Dang you!

I know, I know, it's not your fault Voice.

You just happen to know that everyone should be a friend to everyone.

Because that's the way it's supposed to be.

But this thing called pride is trying to destroy that.

I have a fear of failure.

I have recently learned that I am such a perfectionist, that I have a fear of failure.

It's why I'm so bad at making decisions (even little ones), because I fear making the wrong ones.

And I value the opinion of other's too much.

I don't want to fail them as a friend by disappointing them, hurting them, or making them sad.

I want what they want, 

and too often forget that what I want matters, too.

I tend to focus on being perfect, instead of being better.

Do you know how stressful and hard it is to be perfect?

However, being better than I was yesterday 

is something I CAN do.

I'm not perfect! 

Gasp! 

I'm pretty sure that's not a secret though haha

It doesn't matter how bad my day is, or if I'm going through a hard trial,

as long as I can see someone else smile.

That genuine, sincere, real smile.

The kind that crinkles the eyes and let's a person's real spirit shine through.

I know that it's so cheesy, but it's always been true.

I've been told that I smile a lot...

but it makes it so that I can see someone else smile, too.

Smiles are just so easy to pass along, that I can't help it.

It's actually a selfish thing:  I smile, so that I can see others smile because it makes me happy.

It's probably why I LOVE my job and my past jobs that have to do with children...

they never fail to smile.

I can always get them to smile!  It's so easy!

Even the girl who never smiled when coming to gymnastics...

she now smiles EVERY time I talk to her.

And it makes my lifetime.

Smiles just make my life.

Period.

Just an end note to explain the last secret... here is a video that I live by... 

YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT, it'll change your life.

I Don't Know Why

I don't know why I'm blogging... I just have this feeling I'm supposed to.

In fact, I don't know why I even have a blog

or why I'm at Utah State University

or why I live in this apartment

or why every job that is handed to me has to do with children.

Why am I where I am?

Why am I around the people that I am?

Why am I the way I am?

Why am I who I am?

WHY! i DoN't GeT !

Why?  

Because it doesn't matter if I get it.

Because God gets it.

What matters...

My blog makes me feel like I matter.  Every now and again, someone reads it - woot woot!

Utah State University is fun.

And it's where I learn.

I'm learning a lot in my apartment.  The strength of people blows my mind.

I love working with children.  It's sometimes crazy how well I fit in with them. 

They are about 10 million times more creative, loving, and accepting than grown ups are.

They are also 100% themselves, which makes me feel like I can be myself, too.

I am happy where I am.

The people around me make me smile and laugh or grow stronger.

I am the only me, the way I am makes me unique. 

If I dis myself, I dis one of God's creations, therefore, I dis Him. -->reality check

In the end

God has His reasons

And I don't have to know them

Because He has a plan for me

And that's one thing I can trust.

The "whys" don't scare me anymore

It's not the "whys" that matter

Because I already know the end of my story...

HAPPINESS.

WHY? is the end of my story happiness?

ONE I CAN ALWAYS  ANSWER 

BECAUSE GOD LOVES ME

I AM HIS DAUGHTER

A PRINCESS THAT WILL ONE DAY BE IN HIS KINGDOM

WITH THOSE I LOVE MOST

FOR ETERNITY

AND HE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY

WHICH IS WHY I AM ON THIS EARTH IN THE FIRST PLACE

PERHAPS THE ANSWER TO ALL "WHY'S?"

IS HAPPINESS

Friends bring happiness

Families bring happiness

Love brings happiness

Random adventures bring happiness

Knowledge brings happiness

Health brings happiness

Experiences bring happiness

Even the hard parts of life, the things listed above that just don't work out, or anything that may be troubling you....

To Satan, they are stumbling blocks that keep you from happiness.

To Christ, they are stepping stones that bring you closer to him and make you stronger,

and ultimately bring you more happiness.

So when trials and tribulations do come... it's up to you.

Do you choose stumbling blocks

Or stepping stones?

At the moment, it's just nice to not have to worry about the "whys" and let my life be led by God.  He has the reigns of my life, and I'm giving Him total control. My life...

is His.

No human being can make a plan that will bring me more happiness than God's plan.

p.s. I LOVE FALL!!!

p.s.2. Leave comments! If you have any answers to my whys or whys of your own, share, share, and share!

A Few of My Favorite Things

1.  Cartoons.  Do I realize they aren't real? Yes.  Do I still try to adopt some of the traits of main characters? Yes.  Are cartoon princes and heros attractive? Yes. 

              Thumbelina.  Such a classic fairy tale.  Thumbelina goes through such hard trials, 

but she never stops believing in her love for Cornelius. 

OH yeah... and it's main message... "ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR HEART!"

it also contains my favorite cartoon love song "let me be your wings, let me lift you high above, everything we're dreaming of will soon be ours..... every day I'll take you higher, and I'll never let you fall."  I know I know, me being the cheese ball that I am.  I give you permission to laugh.

                             

                  Beauty and the Beast.  Belle sees the best in EVERY situation... and in every person.  

She has such love for those around her and 

loves to dream about living the kind of life she reads about in books.  

She's so smart and is just good all around!

Most of all, she never settles for less.

Spongebob Squarepants. YUP - I LOVE this cartoon.  

He's a goofy goober, and I'M A GOOFY GOOBER!

Anime.  My favorite? Rurouni Kenshin.  

He used to be an assassin and then he saw the light, changed his ways, 

and vowed to never kill again... so then he injures to protect.  

He acts all tough on the outside, but on the inside, he's just a softy.  

And his story includes love...and I love love.  And him.  

My brother and I watched EVERY episode of Kenshin in high school!  

If there ever was a hero, it's Kenshin - defeating the evil guys one by one - over and over again!

2.  The sound of glitter...... like when you are watching a movie and something (or in the case of twilight, someone) glitters and you can hear it happen!  Let's face it, I love glitter. period.
                                      


3. Kid's cuisine.  If it's been a bad day, kid's cuisine is the way to go.  I don't get it often, but when I do, it's great.  How can you NOT feel better when you are eating fun shaped chicken nuggets and pudding with sprinkles?
                                          


4.  Long car rides.  

If I'm by myself, I can let my mind go blank and 

sing along to my music at the top of my lungs.  Do I risk getting caught 

dancing by myself in my car?  You know it!

If I'm with people and it's a long LONG ride, then we just talk and talk and talk, and

then deep topics of life come up, new ideas, thoughts, and new perspectives. 

 I love having conversations that are about the important things.  Most of all,

I love knowing what others are thinking about.

5. A new dress. And how that new dress makes me feel.

6. Feathers.  They make me feel like Pocahontas.

                                  

7.  Moving water - rivers, oceans, as long as it's moving.  My favorite is to walk in the  middle of a creek or river, trying to stay right side up!

                  

8.  Things or places that have something unique about them.

                                      A fence made out of skis in Sun Valley, ID.  

People have begun donating their own skis to this fence to take part in the fun!

Gargoyle between trees by a log cabin (kinda hidden, as in something you had to look for).

With a gypsy caravan!

9.  Homes and things that have an old romantic look to them.

10.  Good old-fashioned letters instead of emails.  It just makes you feel special when someone has taken the time to write and send a personal letter.  It's so exciting to not know when a letter is coming - it's a SURPRISE!

                                  

11.  Little random things that people say or do that make me feel special.  Sometimes, it's just the little things that matter, not so much the big things.

                        Like a simple comment on facebook

                        Or hearing someone talk about me behind my back... 

and instead of bad things, they are saying good things.

Or maybe.... a song dedication from..... someone from far away.....

that let's me know that they do miss me after all....

12.  Soft blankets - I can never have too many (best Christmas gift ever).

                                         Hmmm... doesn't that look so nice?

13.  The color..... PURPLE!  I don't know why... I've just grown to love it recently.  (Don't worry aqua, I still love you, too)

THE END :)  these are just a few of my favorite things.

HOOOOORAAAAAAY!

Good news moment:  I'M GOING TO GET BETTER!

I went to a new doctor today because I just was not getting better.  And being a vegetable on the couch and my bed for the last 5 days has been MISERABLE.  And NOBODY likes vegetables.

So, at first the doctor was all, " S'up, how ya feeling?  Yo, I'm pretty positive you have MONO again.  Take a gangsta walk out and get to the lab so they can test yo bluuuud."

              Well, OK, maybe he didn't say it EXACTLY like that....
In the meantime, there I was getting my blood drawn (yes, I'm a weirdie who loves it) and then I had a torturing wait of 25 minutes in room 12.  The entire time I just prayed and prayed, "Please don't let me have mono. Please oh please oh please."  Why? Duh - I can't afford the time that mono costs!

Finally, the doctor came and and told me that it doesn't look like it's mono, "which is really good, you getting mono again would be like getting hit twice by lightning."  Oh? Really? YOUR TELLING ME!

Anyways, results showed that I probably have a bacterial infection... I really bad one.  So the doctor gave me what doctors give for these kinds of illnesses:  antibiotics. with EXTRA DOSAGE!  AKA, I'm bound to get EXTRA BETTER.... at least that's what I plan on. WABAM!

Of course, he's still going to do some other tests to see why I get so sick so easily and why I'm so tired all of the time. But what matters is that he solved the problem and I'm going to get better!

*~*  I'M NO LONGER GOING TO BE A SICKY!  Which also means that I won't be feeling so down in the dumps anymore.

*~*  I can continue my workout in a couple days!  ELDER IAN STATS, YOU ARE GOING DOWN in our "who's gonna be in the best shape" contest.

*~*  I'll soon be able to eat like a normal person!

*~* I don't have mono! Which would have certainly ruined my life... I went through mono while keeping my grades up and working once... and there's no way I could do it again.
                   * my grades, work, and social life aren't going to come tumbling down afterall!

5 days of suffering isn't very long.  But when you are suffering, it feels like forever.  I'm just so excited to get involved in school, work, and social activities again.

Two things I'm most excited for:  1)  Being able to participate in church functions.  I go to every single church function... so not being able to attend church, a fireside, institute, and fhe have been like torture.  These simple Gospel upliftments (I made up that word) are what make me happiest.  2)  I can go to my tumbling classes and do well in them again.  I LOVE the workout I get from tumbling... and that feeling of accomplishment when I do a good job, too... oh yeah, and the whole "I'm FLYING" feeling is awesome!

Also, it's kind of a plus that the first day I'm predicted to feel the very best is Wednesday.  My birthday.  You know that feeling you get when you are finally feeling better after you've been sick for a while?  Well, I actually haven't been feeling very well for the last month.  SO, feeling good finally will be like a birthday present.  A good one too!

I would just like to add..... the doctor I went to is kinda cute. THAT'S AS FAR AS I WILL GO AND LET'S LEAVE IT AT THAT. THE END.


lEAVE cOMMENTS :)


  = ME

Roadkill

According to my doctor, I shouldn't even be blogging.  But, I don't care.  If anything it'll relieve stress and help me get better (which is the way I see it).  I don't think it'll take too much "energy."

Basically, I'm sick.  Some "virus" has invaded my body and has turned me into a vegetable - and who likes vegetables?

So, besides the fact that I feel like roadkill, literally, except for I'm not dead, I am extremely blessed.

The doctor said I should not being working, going to school, going out, or doing anything that causes stress or energy to think, unfortunately including homework.  I'm even supposed to keep my feet covered "just in case" so that my body doesn't use energy to stay warm.  I've NEVER even thought of such a thing.

What's wrong? My head aches, my muscles hurt, I don't know when the chills are going to come and surprise me and wake me up, my throat feels like it has scabbed and those scabs that aren't healed are being ripped apart anyways... I won't continue with more details, you're probably already disgusted with that last image.

Ok, now to the extremely blessed part....

I'll start from the beginning.

1.  Yesterday, my amazing friend Kylie came and hung out with me and made me feel all better even though we didn't know what I was sick with.  Therefore, she risked her health for me.  What kind of a friend does such a thing? Oh yeah... KYLIE does!

2.  Two amazing worthy Priesthood holders took time out of their busy lives when no one else seemed available and gave me some extra help.  And they will never know how much of a difference that extra help has made.

3.  My roommate, Miranda, took care of  me last night and convinced me to take medicine.  This medicine outright knocked me out and I was able to sleep ALL NIGHT LONG!  Which is kind of a big deal, I haven't slept a whole night in so long.

4.  This Miranda girl also gave me the secrets on how to get into a good doctor at the Wellness center.  And I did get into this doctor who has sentenced me to days full of....  Oh yeah... nothing lol.  But I am grateful to know how to get better.

5.  My dad was randomly in town this morning and visited me :)

6.  THIS IS A BIG ONE!!!  I VERY hesitantly emailed my professors about being so sick, and all of those who have replied are giving me till the end of next week to hand in assignments that are really due tomorrow and Monday!  They are helping me, an insignificant and pathetic student, to survive academically!  How often do professors do this? Um.... almost never.  But they did it this time, and it was an answer to my prayers.

7. The last one:  My amazing roommate, Ashlena, brought me a little snack.  Little does she know that I've hardly eaten today due to a lack of appetite, lack of energy to cook something, and a lack of willingness to ask for help.  Also, she wanted to watch a movie with me.  Once again... Little does she know.  I've been alone in the apartment almost all day.  Therefore, to have her right here besides me - it just makes me feel less alone.

See how blessed I am?  I may be physically feeling like roadkill.  But emotionally, I feel AMAZING.

And I owe it all to God.  It is due to Him that I am so blessed as I currently am - more than I deserve.  And that is the Love of God right there.

Ok... I'm done.. sorry for multiple mistakes because I can't think... nor am I allowed to due to "energy."  Therefore, I refuse to proof read this blog.  Because, it is only a blog.  And hardly anyone reads it anyways (as far as I know).

Later :)

The Life of a Twin

Once upon a time, Ian and I were born.  Ian was born first... due to a LOT of bad luck. 

Our rivalry began in infancy.  He stole my blanket and was put in the back seat as punishment - like a baby knows the difference.  Mom, dad, you should have taken away his binky instead.  That way, he would have learned his lesson and saved us all a lot of trouble in later years.

In preschool, I lost my turtle beanie baby, and as he flaunted his around, I did the only logical thing...  I took his and lied about it.  When he complained, he got into trouble.  But being the good person that I am, my conscience appeared and with shame and guilt, I came forward... and got into trouble. He could have just shared in the first place and the whole incident would have been avoided!

In elementary school, he teased me and pushed me down.  My job, as a citizen of America, was to keep this world a world of justice... so I told on him.  Every time.  

Jr. High brought a time of annoyance and many days full of "I'm not touching you... I'm NooOOOooot touching you!" hauntings.  Doesn't reading it just annoy you?

In High School, I just wanted to be my own individual... was that too much to ask for?

Freshman year of college, I became my own individual.  He became my parents' favorite.

Then again...

Our friendship began in infancy. We had our own language that no one could understand... successfully driving my mom crazy.

In preschool, if I was laughing, it was because of him.  He was the goofball I always wanted to be.

In elementary school, I suffered the consequences of cliques and prissy girls.  He never failed to include me.

Jr. High came, and he never pretended to be someone else.  He was always himself in the way that I wished I could be myself.  And I stood up for him.

In High school, trying to find myself, he stood up for me.  He made me feel of worth when I felt of no worth.

Freshman year of college, I didn't want to be my own individual anymore.  And he became my favorite. (Yeah, yeah, I know... he's just EVERYONE's favorite at this point).

And then I was abandoned.  My best friends left on missions, and he left on his.


We shared everything up to that point... friends, birthdays, cars, etc.
We shared lives.

He knew how to make me feel better when I was down, he could make me laugh when I was mad, and he saw me as someone better than I was, even when I was less than I should have been.  In high school, he let me pretend to be tough but still cheered me up when things went wrong in cheer.  HE was the one who showed that I'd be missed when I moved to college.  He came to Orem to spend time with me on our 19th birthday.  He bought me a new pair of jeans to celebrate leaving on his mission.  He made ME feel important even on his special moments.

I'm not the type to go to my family and tell them every detail of my life and how I feel.

With him, I didn't have to.  Call it that weird "twin psychic" thing if you want, but he already knew when something wasn't right.  Of all people, he's the one that I'm closest to.

And then he was gone. He left me behind and I felt abandoned.  He went to the other side of the world, and left me to fend for  myself.  He was out helping others when I felt like I was the one who needed him most.  It wasn't fair.  It was supposed to ALWAYS be Ian and Callie, Callie and Ian.  And suddenly it was just Callie.

That was not enough.

Many people compare it to a sibling leaving on a mission.  But it doesn't help, and with all due respect, it doesn't compare.  

Jill is supposed to follow Jack up the hill.

Jill is supposed to tumble down when Jack tumbles down.

We're a team. 

We drive each other crazy.  Even while worlds apart, he still bullies me.  He tells me which guys I can or can't date, he has restricted me from marriage while he's on his mission, and he thinks he can win every competition against me.  (The facts that I wouldn't ever get married without him present and that he does, indeed, win every competition we have are small details that we need not take notice to.)

Yet, we watch out for each other.  Even while worlds apart, he still watches out for me and makes me feel of more worth than I really am.  He sees good in me even when I don't see it.  He tells me things about myself that I don't even know.

And through emails and letters, I've learned that even though we are not near, we end up with the same situations.  When I've had roommate struggles, he's had companion struggles. When everything seems to fall in line in my life, the same happens to his.  When I found a true best friend, he was put with an amazing companion. 

And when he got hit by a car, I felt like I was the one who had been hit.  If anything were to happen to him or hurt him, it would hurt me just as much.  When someone was mean to him, it felt like they were being mean to me.  If his feelings were ever hurt, my feelings were hurt, too.  If he feels pain, hurt, sorrow... I feel it, too.  The same goes for when he is happy and joyful.


Him being happy is enough reason for me to be happy.

Emails and letters aren't enough.  I miss him being here, with me.  I don't want to be just Callie anymore.  


I just miss my twin.  


You'd think that after all this time, almost two years, I'd be used to not having him by my side.


But I'm not.

Why am I having these sentimental thoughts?  Because our birthday is coming up, and every birthday and Christmas is a reminder that he is not here.  I even remember the first Christmas without him as clearly as anything.  We talked all day on the phone... and when we tried to say goodbye.... we both broke down.  And then I couldn't speak anymore.  I didn't want him to hear my voice crack and have him know how much I missed him and how much it hurt to be forced to have birthdays and Christmas's without him for the first time in my life.  I didn't want him to know how hard I was trying not to cry.

It just wasn't fair.

So this year, as I prepare for our birthday... it really is a preparation.  I have to prepare for the fact that it's another birthday without him.  And try to ignore it.

I don't want to celebrate our birthday without him.

I said the same thing last year.

But was forced to have a good time (and because of good friends, I had the best time).

But, no matter how good it ends up being...

It's still not the same.

Because he's not here.

And when he's not here, it feels more like MY birthday, when it's supposed to be OUR birthday.

Being a twin is a part of me.  And as irrational as it is, it feels pointless to celebrate such a thing when that part of me isn't here.

He has 44 more days left out in the field.

Everyone says that number is nothing.

To me, it is everything.

Back in the day... bored of pictures, so we made faces.


If none of this makes sense, and you don't understand what it is to be a twin (which, of course you don't, you couldn't), there is one thing that might put it into perspective for you.


God gave me someone better than a friend.
God gave me someone better than even a best friend.
He gave me a twin.


And that, right there, is proof enough that God does love me.


the end.


I just have to post this picture... mostly, because it would bug him...

Bad Day

Venting time...


Woke up, went to two classes of gymnastics at USU... and did the worst I've ever done.

pathetic.  

The worst kind of disappointment: disappointment in myself.

Then,  the hot guy... the type that I don't even give my time of day to because I assume he's a tool and would have no reason to associate with me...

asks me out.

Guess. What. He didn't have his cell phone, so I was going to get his number and then text him.

So I did....

And either I entered the wrong number, or he gave me the wrong number, because someone else replied.

Suck.

Then, I go to  a class with some friends.  At first, I'm so happy to be there because of the guys I'm with.

Then more people show up

And it's not till the end of class that I exist again.

Invisibility - apparently a power I possess.

To add to it, I'm not the student, friend, sister, roommate, or person I should be.  And tonight, that was all  made 

clear.

Once again, the worst kind of disappointment?

Disappointment in myself.

PITY PARTY OVER... time to look at positives of today

At gymnastics, I got a good workout and made friends.  I laughed a lot, too (mostly to hide how retarded I felt, but laughing = laughing no matter what it's for).

Hot guy gave me time of day.  And just NOW, we contacted each other through FB.

Invisibility... kind of a cool power!

I can change into that student, friend, sister, roommate, or person I should be.

That is all.